In-Between

Well..here I am again. Stuck in the in-between. Although I have to admit..sometimes the uncertainty of not knowing exactly what God has in store for me next is kind of exciting. Stressful yes, but exciting none the less. Through God's mercy I passed the NCLEX and am now an official nurse :) The Board of Kentucky has yet to send me my license number however (they don't give licensing cards, they just send an e-mail..which I think is a rip off ) I had to get some technicality stuff worked out and ended up getting to take a jurisprudence exam in place of 120 hours of clinical work, which is a huge relief. I am now in the process of filling out job applications (which is tedious to say the least). Thus, my in-betwee"ness", and the cause of not being able to answer people when they ask me what I am doing next or if I have a job.  I sometimes wish I had a t-shirt that said "In the in-between stage...I have no clue what comes next". Thankfully, God has led me out of many in-between stages in the past and I know He will be faithful to do the same again. (He usually opens the door at the last possible minute) I am just praying that I will use this in-between stage in the right way. I don't want to look back after I am in the next stage and think "Wow I can't believe I wasted that precious time by worrying about what comes next". Speaking of time I should probably get off this blog and get to bed...I'm taking the boys on a surprise trip tomorrow :)

Know Him

Well I have been rather busy this past week and a half which is why I have not posted here in a while. I went to Arkansas with a group from Gallaway Children's Ministry and now I am spending some time in Memphis with my best friend (& partner in crime) looking for apartments and seeing how many things we can mark off of our "Things to do before we die" list.  However, before I write a post about my escapades I want to get back to my "Something to Think About" post and the quote by Oswald Chambers.

" My goal is God Himself, not joy nor peace, nor even blessing, but Himself, my God."

This quote basically sums up what God has been teaching me this past year (actually probably longer than that). He has shown me through joyous occasions as well as difficult situations that to know Him is the most important thing I can do in this life. I was blessed to be a part of a women's discipleship group throughout college in which I met weekly with a group of three of the most Christ-like women I know. This past school year we went through the book "The Knowledge of the Holy" by A.W. Tozer (which I would strongly encourage anyone to read!). This book explored and elaborated on all of the traits of God and taught me how important it is to know God for who He is...powerful, omnipotent, omniscent, merciful, love ( I could go on and on)  My pursuit to seek God and cultivate a deeper understanding of who He is has dramatically changed my outlook on life. I have been a believer for 15 years, but I feel as though I am just now starting to be aware of all that God is. It is such a humbling and exciting experience. One of my favorite quotes from "The Knowledge of the Holy" is "What comes to your mind when you think about God is the most important thing about you." I want to make sure that when I think about God I am thinking of the true God, the God of the Bible, the God who has covered my many sins with the precious blood of Christ, not a God that I have made up in my mind that meets my selfish desires and ambitions.

Something to think about

"My goal is God Himself, not joy nor peace, nor even blessing, but Himself, my God." ~ Oswald Chambers

I read this quote this morning in "My Utmost for His Highest". I am not sure if Oswald Chambers is the first to pen it, but I gave him credit anyway. It got me thinking about several things that I might write about later, but for now I am just going to give it some time to sink in. Plus, my brain is so fried from studying for the NCLEX that it would probably come out as a jumble.

"The Boys"

This post is not about boys in general so if that’s what you wanted to read, then you might as well stop now J. “The Boys” is the collective name my mom and dad and I use to refer to my three brothers (because it is easier than having to remember all their names).  I still remember the day my family went to mom’s ultrasound to find out the gender of our last sibling. We all anxiously stood there as the image of the little (alien-looking) baby appeared on the screen. Then the physician looked at it and announced “Look, it’s another boy!”. Daniel and Paul shouted yes and started to jump up and down and thump each other on the back as if they had won a competition. I just stood there with my eyes welling up with tears trying to keep them from spilling out. Afterwards, mom took me to our favorite bakery so I could drown my sorrow in a fresh-baked cookie and milk.  However, it didn’t take long before I got excited about being a big sister to another little brother. Although there was a brief period when Andrew was a toddler that I dressed him up as a girl and called him Andrewlina (Dad found out and put a stop to it), I am glad that God made him a boy and gave me a third brother. In fact, when I look back and think about it, I probably couldn’t have handled having sisters. I definitely could not have handled sharing the position of “Daddy’s girl” (or sharing my clothes and makeup).  In my opinion, boys are a lot easier to fight with. When my brothers and I would fight we would settle it with a few good hits (fist fights usually took place when mom was napping and dad was out of the house) or a good bit of name calling and then it was over.  Girls are a little more..well, passive aggressive I guess. My brothers don’t know how to be passive aggressive. They always let me know if they are mad at me which makes it easier to get the arguments over with and move on. Brothers are also good protectors. I remember one of the first times Daniel acted as “my protector” because it was caught on home video. I am swinging on our little aluminum swing set when the neighbor’s old basset hound walks up. (It was probably a gentle dog, but I was terrified of it as a child.) I scream and stand up on the swing about to cry when Daniel walks up (he looks like a mini cowboy with his grimy John Deere shirt on and his little wranglers tucked into his cowboy boots) He walks up, takes the dog, and in his thick Mississippi accent says, “Come on puppy dog..don’t mess with Sissy”. He might have lost his Mississippi accent but he is still good at protecting me from dogs (except now it’s the 2 legged kind ;) ) Brothers can also be really sweet (but in a manly way of course). I remember a time when Paul actually gave me a compliment. We had gone out to lunch and he was worried that the waiter thought we were a couple and that he was a jerk boyfriend since I was the one paying the bill. I assured him that we looked enough alike that the waiter could tell we were related and NOT dating.  He then told me, “Yeah, well I wouldn’t date you anyway...I don’t go for the smart girls.” (Okay, so it might have been a put-down/compliment… but close enough) If you know my youngest brother Andrew then you know that he is extremely protective of me, especially when it comes to boys. He wants to know who, what, where, when, how of any situation that involves me and a boy. I can’t even go to the grocery store with him without him analyzing every boy that might accidently glance my direction.  My point of this spill about how great my brothers are is that sometimes God gives us what we need and not what we want because He knows what is best. I might have wanted sisters (and even prayed that I would wake up and my brothers would magically become girls that I could play Barbies with) but God knew that my brothers were the best siblings for me.  Oh, and just so we’re clear I don’t think having sisters is a bad thing ( I am looking forward to hopefully having sister-in-laws in the future..if I can find girls willing to marry the brothers ;)) I just think that for me… “The Boys” is the best thing God could have given me.

Yep...

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Long story short : I have the most incredible friends in the world. Seriously. I might write a post about how amazing they are sometime, but it would probably be too long to fit. If you are one of them and you are reading this right now...just know that I am so thankful for you and my life would be..well I don't want to think what my life would be like without you  :)

Peace

"I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in." ~ John Muir

I love going for walks during the evening. The sun begins to set and the air becomes a little lighter. Fireflies seem to appear out of nowhere and as the sky gets darker they look like floating Christmas lights flung out over the hills and valleys in my front and backyard. Last night I caught some and put them in a Mason jar but they looked so much prettier flying free that I let them go. When I go out and see the beauty of nature I know that God delights in His handiwork. He didn't have to make fireflies or make grass smell sweet when it is freshly cut or make mountains so majestic. He did though and I am so grateful for it.

Cleaning

My mom and I decided to clean the house today. We figured that with my dad and two of my brothers away at camp it would be a perfect time to do it. (My dad is a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to cleaning and it can be stressful to clean the house with him at times. My brothers are just ..well kinda messy so anything you clean with them around tends to return to it's former state of messiness rather quickly.) Plus, my cousin and some of her family came to spend the night with us tonight on their way through to Pennsylvania...so all in all this was the perfect day to clean. Okay, well enough about my day..I don't want to use this blog as a list of my mundane day to day tasks. I have a journal for that. Anyway, as I was cleaning the bathroom I started to reminisce about the first time I cleaned a bathroom all by myself. I know, I know..I sound like a weirdo. Let me give you some background info though, so you don't think I am completely insane for remembering the first time I cleaned a toilet...My dad is "Mr. Clean" (not literally, he has hair, but you get the picture). He is also the hardest worker I know. When he was in college he worked as a janitor to pay his way through school so he is REALLY good at cleaning and he has bathroom cleaning down to an art form. I was 12 years old before he let me clean a bathroom all by myself. I remember I was determined to make that bathroom shine...I even polished the doorknob and asked mom for paint to touch up the floor boards. (It took me forever.) Then when I finished I went and got "Mr. Clean" for the inspection. I remember Dad looked at it and told me it was the cleanest bathroom he had ever seen. He also told me that I was so good at cleaning bathrooms that I should become the honary bathroom cleaner! I was ecstatic..and VERY niave. It didn't take long before I realized compliments about how I cleaned the dishes the best or I folded the clean towels the best was just a sneaky way my parents got me to do things they didn't want to do. Needless to say, it wasn't long before the title "Honary Bathroom Cleaner" lost it's luster. Bathrooms are kind of one of those rooms in the house that need to be cleaned frequently...and you get hot and sweaty (and get bleach stains on your favorite t-shirts) in the process. Before long the "but you clean the bathrooms the best" trick didn't work. I remember my Dad was trying to use that trick one day and I retorted with "Well maybe I'm not the best one..maybe Daniel is, but we don't know because you never ask him to do ANYTHING!"..pretty sure I got displined for that one...Okay, I need to reel this back in to my real point, which believe it or not, is not about bathrooms at all. As I was thinking back to all this I began to realize that sometimes I act the same way about things I know God has called me to do as I did about cleaning the bathrooms. At first, I am ecstatic about it. I know what God wants me to do and I jump on board to give it my best. However, I then get to the point where I think what I am doing doesn't matter at all..I don't see the fruit of my labor right away or it gets hard. I keep pouring myself out to whatever it may be He has called me to do and I see no progress. I get to the point where I say "God, maybe I'm not the best for this...you should ask someone else" Then Satan steps in and reminds me of all my failures and fills my head with lies. Thankfully, God reminds me (by whatever means necessary) that I am the best for what He has called me to do and shows me that I need to put my selfishness aside. Well, I hope this wasn't too rambly...I just think it is cool when the Lord uses the mundane (such as cleaning my bathroom) to remind me that despite my many weaknesses He does have a purpose for me and He's not finished yet.

What Now?

I graduated college on May 21st at 6 pm (the same date and time that the world was predicted to end / Christ was coming back..which I find pretty ironic). Anyway, since the world did not come to an end, I am left with a big question..."What now?". The answer may seem pretty obvious, especially to all those who had been dreaming of getting out of college and starting their career for years. However, I was never one of those people. I know it sounds crazy, but I don't think I honestly ever thought I would graduate college or make it to the postgrad milestone. I mean don't get me wrong, my grades were good (I went countless nights without sleep to make sure of that) so it's not that I thought I would fail or something. I think I really did believe Christ would come back before I made it to the end. ( I know I sure wanted Him to) Plus, when I am doing something, whatever it may be, I am all or nothing. I tend to stay pretty focused and nursing school was definitely a "just get through one day at a time" experience. I have taken this past month as a time-out period to make sure I have my life priorities straight and to seek what it is God would have me to do next. Slowly but surely He is revealing to me what it is He wants me to do. (I will probably blog about that later, when all my plans are nailed down for sure...& just fyi it isn't anything excited like moving to Africa to be a missionary..but ya never know it could happen someday ;) ) The biggest lesson I have learned lately is from Matthew 6:33 "But seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." My life is nothing without Christ...without Him I wouldn't even have a life to live. I want to make sure that I answer my "What now?" with "Now I will do whatever it is God receives the most glory from". I don't want to live a meaningless life full of selfish ambitions...I want to make sure that whatever I do I do for His glory and honor. Besides, as He says in Matthew 6:33 when I seek Him above everything else,  everything else will fall into place (His way..which is the best way).